The Ocean

It’s the way I remember you.

It’s the way I’ll be carefully continuing through my days, intentionally occupying my mind so it doesn’t drift away in an ocean of thoughts. But that’s the thing, the ocean has currents, waves, tides; all of them pushing and pulling my mind as it just tries to stay afloat. And just like an ocean, you come in waves. I think of you once when perhaps I hear a song that reminds me of you. Or perhaps when I read about something and get curious on if you know about it too. But like a wave, another reminder of you comes by, somehow knocking me down into the sand and forcing me to prop myself up on my hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air as another wave comes in and sweeps me under the current.

And I’m suddenly here again, drowning in the thought of you again – drowning in you, yet again. My mother taught me how to float when I was barely 2 years old. She taught me how to swim just a couple years later. The only problem is that she never taught me how to come back up for air when the ocean I’m drowning in is just a pool of emotions and memories of a person… I wish I could take swimming lessons for that. Because I try, you see? I try so hard to catch my breath after being consumed by the ocean, and I can only come up gasping for air just a couple times before I finally just surrender and let the currents take me away. It’s honestly peaceful when I just let the ocean run its course – it’s only traumatic when I try to go against the current, and I used to fight against the currents, simply because I wanted to get back to shore. And this ocean, oh man, this ocean… it’s too salty, I taste it all over my lips when I lick them and sometimes it manages to even burn my eyes, making me cry. But now… now, even though I know it’s best for me not to let the waves sweep me under the current, my thoughts and memories of you, I’ve managed to find a sweet, sweet bliss and gratitude that keeps me afloat. Because fighting takes too much energy, but floating is nearly effortless. I don’t want to fight the ocean anymore, I just want to float atop it, letting the story of us eventually carry me back to shore.

Photo credit: @em.is.blooming on Instagram (http://instagram.com/em.is.blooming)