It’s been so long since I’ve felt your embrace or basked in your presence.
Since i felt the way you gently place your hand on my shoulder to let me know it’s okay for me to show my soul to you.
I missed your warmth so much and after leaving my heart on the other side of the world, I wasn’t sure if I would see you again but here we are, standing face to face, radiating warmth off each other and as one unit.
You make me feel protected from the worries I believed were real and would follow me everywhere I went.
I used to pack an umbrella with me everywhere I would go just in case the world decided to rain its worries down on me yet again. The world having been merely just a projection of the fears the young child in me learned to be wary of… but with you, Safety, I don’t need an umbrella.
The umbrella has become obsolete because now even the darkest clouds that shed the tears of pain are an opportunity for me to look up at the sky with my arms wide open, letting the clouds’ tears wash away the fears I had dwelling inside me.
Why should we protect ourselves from rain when it gives an opportunity to cleanse?
An opportunity to nourish and help us grow?
An opportunity to put the wildfires of our hearts and minds out?
In Safety, there is sweetness, there is tenderness, there is patience, there is no judgment, and there is no fear because ultimately there is no worry at all even though at times this Safety honestly scares me.
From a lifelong journey of rejection from every male counterpart since i was conceived, I would inherently walk this earth constantly holding a fear that never once will I know the Safety or Protection that a man could give. So why do I want to runaway from Safety because I sense a danger in the security I feel when talking to someone new and exciting who talks to me from a place free of judgment, expectation, hypersexualization, or pressure?
Because in the past you’ve come under the guise of physical intimacy and just mere acceptance of the raw entity that I am, I’ve learned of the Safety that the self could give and ultimately I have been my own protector this entire time. I run from this newfound Safety to retreat to the safety I find comfort within – that is, I find security in my solitude of independence and poise.
But this time is different. This Safety is undeniable, and it’s going to stay here for an undetermined amount of time but that doesn’t even matter because it’s finally actually here.
Before, I’ve felt you, Safety, but those times I knew you would be short lived. I saw you walk through my front door and set your bags near it, only to fetch a few things from your bag, but never actually seeing you unpack it. I see you, Safety, coming to knock on my door once again, and this time you’ve come with no bags and just a blanket, but you’ve left your shoes at the door as I slowly open it to let you in. You drape the blanket over us, letting me know that you’re here to get cozy with me, providing extra warmth and all. I don’t know why now I feel like I’ll be embraced by you for longer, maybe even forever, but it doesn’t matter because again, you’re here and you’re present and I cannot shake away this feeling of you, Safety, because I know you’ll be here to stay for the longest you’ve ever came for a visit.
(Photo credit: Nina Paz // http://www.instagram.com/ninapazphotography )
Another Public Diary 