Hunger and thirst are signs that we need to take care of ourselves in the most basic ways.
Is satisfying a craving a way to satisfy a basic need?
I’ve been craving an energy that I succumbed to and let carry me away, like a tide carries away the mass of kelp that washed upon the shores.
I felt so hungry for this new found energy – I wanted to immerse myself in its waters, quenching my thirst for it, and devouring it for supper.
It’s easy to get lost in the flavors of a delectable energy when your tastebuds are of a palate with a sour taste.
How could one have a sour palate when life is oh so sweet?
When each time you fall, no matter how hard it is, no matter from what height, if you’ve believed that someone would catch you at the bottom but they didn’t or perhaps they caught you for a split second but then dropped you, you learn to fear tasting itself.
You steer clear of the times when you have the opportunity to try something new but you remember the last time you did and how what you last tried was so delicious, and so new, but it left an aftertaste in your mouth that is all too familiar.
You’ve learned to convert the salt from your tears to the sourness in your heart so as not to allow yourself to be enveloped again.
“Enveloping yourself isn’t worth the taste of my tears,” you say.
So you vow to yourself that no more can we fall,
no more can we immerse,
no more can we crave.
To crave so bad you start to hunger and to thirst so much you become dehydrated – that’s better than falling victim to the energies that make the butterflies in your chest dance after a long slumber.
But the problem with cravings is that they don’t actually go away entirely.
They come back to remind you of what you once tasted with your own tongue, your own lips.
They remind you of what it felt like to embrace someone who actually cared about you and wanted to make your palate sweet.
They remind you that there was a time when your palate actually was sweet.
I want a sweet palate again.
I want to immerse again.
The taste of that new energy was unlike any others I’ve tried before and I’m kicking myself for having gotten so startled at the explosion of flavors that I felt the need to spit out my food. It’s not because the taste was disgusting, I just wasn’t expecting so much juicy sweetness.
Now, I lie in bed and crave that flavor, crave that energy. Why didn’t anyone tell me that the worst cravings happen at night and always when you cannot satisfy them??
I realize now that I can still enjoy such deliciousness but I don’t need to binge on it – I can have little bites here and there and be okay and not overwhelmed, but excited for the next bite yet without feeling the need to devour the entire platter. What’s the rush in finishing the plate anyways when the best part of satisfying a craving is enjoying the taste of the flavors in the moment?
To savor the flavor of each bite is an act of self love and self discipline.
To taste this flavor in doses is a practice of patience.
I’ve been a binge eater most my life but I feel ready to discipline myself, just for the sake of making this flavor last longer.
Another Public Diary 