why am I here?

I’m just some blasian chick.

I always enjoyed writing – primarily for personal reasons. My first journal was from when I was in the first or second grade – I remember it came with a little lock and key, as if I had some really secretive business to hide at just 7 or 8 years old. It’s laughable really, how back in those early days of journaling I really did seem pressed about stuff that now as a grown adult would not faze me at all. But I think the key in acknowledging that I was already writing about my thoughts at such an early age, is just that – my mind has constantly been preoccupied. But that’s not to say that other people aren’t always preoccupied in their psyche as well, I just feel like I had more of desire, practical need, for writing it all down. Now as a 25-year-old young woman who is an only child, I recognize my need for journaling my thoughts and feelings was simply because I wanted to confide in someone – or some THING – about what was going on. I didn’t have siblings to talk to, and I wasn’t one (and still often am not) the type to bring up my “problems” to other people. Yet I am frequently the one to be there and listen to everyone else because I really care about the ones I love and I want to help them out in any way I can, even if it’s ignoring my own issues to listen to what is bothering them in that moment. But because of my innate discomfort with sitting and telling someone what’s bothering me, I’ve come to realize that thinking, conceptualizing, and writing has been my ultimate confidant.

I still own a journal, and in fact I do write in it from time to time. My only qualm with it is that it hurts my hand before I can even finish out the train of words I’ve assembled in my head, so some entries have been left unfinished, or left unexplored in its fullest potential. There’s even some memories I got to write a tidbit about but didn’t get to write down my experience in full detail and I want to serve these memories justice by jotting down the detail they deserve to have mentioned. Thus, I’ve decided to use this platform as a means to redocument and revisit some of these old thoughts and memories that yes, do occasionally (and sometimes more than I’d like), re-enter my brain to be entertained yet again. I want to express it all as I have for myself, except now I’ve reached a point in my life where I am no longer embarrassed by my thoughts or my feelings of my past – rather, I want to celebrate them by allowing others to have a look at them too. Writing about the things that once pained me has been a form of therapy for me, because now, I have the words to better accurately described what I felt and how I’ve grown from those feelings to be able to have the strength to talk about the past today. [Special shoutout to all my past lovers: you all have become one unit entity that gave me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to grow, and to now write in ways I never thought I would get to write. So if any of you happen to read this, thank you, for everything.] For so long I’ve kept the sad shit to myself, only to have talked about it with very selective people (there truly is no one person that knows absolutely everything that I’ve gone through, but there are select people who know of select moments in my life that changed and shaped me to become the person I am today). That’s about to change right here. My hope is that some of what I’ve gone through and conceptualized about life and love will resonate with others, because sometimes we don’t have the words to make sense of the things we go through, or to express what we feel, but it’s beautifully cathartic when we find someone else who does. Or perhaps someone can distract themselves from their own life by taking a look into mine (I mean isn’t that part of why documentaries and reality TV shows are so interesting?). You’ll find that my main topic is typically love and self-growth – these two things have been the driving source of inspiration for my writing thus far and they have played major roles in my life to make me the woman I am today. I hope in some of this writing, you see yourself in it, or remember a similar feeling. We are all human and in being human, we experience emotion and evolutions of ourselves, and I think it’s beautiful to know that we all have that in common.

Welcome to my life. This is just another public diary.